ID Number: 1065 From: strait_flush5 <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Purely for Entertainment
Date: Wednesday, July 16 2003 - 22:41:23
Lisa has lived a very uncommon life. Being a model and one of
Playboy's most successful Playmates doesn't begin to describe the
kinds of adventures Lisa has experienced in her life. This is the
story of the amazing things that happened when Lisa visited Cape
Canaveral to witness a space shuttle launch.
Although Lisa doesn't look it, she really is quite the nerd, and had
been looking forward to witnessing a launch for a long time. Lisa is
such a nerd, she actually keeps a collection of different species of
fungus and lichen in an old refrigerator in her parents garage, and
she studies them under her microscope on weekends to relax. (Lisa
normally doesn't tell people about her mold menagerie, but some of
her friends thinks her nerdiness is an endearing quality). One of
Lisa's private dreams is to have an experiment involving some of her
fungus to travel on the space shuttle. And so, she had been looking
forward to this opportunity for some time.
It was early in the Space Shuttle program, before the Challenger
disaster. Lisa found a place to park, and was walking towards the
viewing gallery when she happened to pass by one of the gates to the
secured areas of the base. She glanced inside the gate as she passed
by, and just happened to be at the right place at the right time to
see two midgets armed with boards with nails sticking out of them,
attack the security guard. The brave young NASA guard when down,
powerless to stop the onslaught, the rusty nails biting into his
kneecaps and thighs. As the guard was finally losing conciousness,
his last thought was "I hope my tetanus shots are up to date."
In a flash, Lisa forgot any concerns for her own safety, and leapt to
the security guard's aid. Catching the midgets of guard, she quickly
disarmed one, and was able to parry the blow swung at her by the
second midget. The first midget, frightened, scurried off, and
escaped under a hole in the fenceline. But the second midget,
undeterred, threw his board at Lisa, hopped onto a NASA 4-wheeled ATV
that was parked nearby, and roared off in the direction of the launch
Lisa had to dodge the scrap-wood projectile, and was too late to
catch the midget before he escaped. Lisa jumped on another ATV
parked nearby, and pursued the midget as fast as she was able.
Within minutes, the midget, who held a several hundred yard lead over
Lisa, arrived at the shuttle, all prepared for launch. The midget
scampered up the ladders and walkways until he reached the elevator
that would take him to the top. As the midget rose, he looked back
at Lisa and called "Follow me if you can, beanpole!"
Lisa glanced at the countdown clock - still about 30 minutes to go.
She climbed up to the elevator landing, and took the second car that
was waiting beside the first. The midget was surprised by Lisa's
audacity; he didn't think she would actually follow him, and he
immediately stopped his elevator. In a moment, Lisa's car caught
up. The two of them were side-by-side, hundreds of feet in the air,
next to the Space Shuttle - ready for launch.
"What do you think you're doing, beanpole?" the midget asked.
"I should ask the same question of you, shorty!" Lisa retorted.
"You tall-people have enjoyed your time at the top, but soon, that
will all come to an end."
"What are you talking about?" Lisa asked, a sickening feeling was
beginning to creep into her heart.
"Today will be the beginning of the end for the repression that has
been inflicted upon my people. Soon, the little-people will have the
power, and anyone over 3 feet will be made to serve US!" the midget
"You're crazy, you insance little midget!" Lisa said.
"Ha!" the midget laughed. "Just try to stop me. Besides, I think
YOU'RE the insane one... afterall, I can't possibly be a "little
midget" - I can't be both. I'm either a little person, OR a midget.
Just how small do you think a "little midget" must be, my lanky
And with that, the midget was off, cackling as he rose from Lisa's
sight. Momentarily confused, yet undaunted by the midgets clever
twisting of the semantics of "little-person" vs. "midget", Lisa
continued her pursuit. The midget, quickly reversed direction, and
in a quick turn, was travelling down the launch tower, hooting and
hollering at Lisa as he passed. Lisa stopped her car, and began
travelling down as well. The midget, however, had anticipated Lisa's
counter-move, and was now travelling back up.
Things continued like this for a few minutes, up and down, up and
down, until finally, Lisa caught up to the midget once again.
"What do you think you are doing, you stupid midget?" she demanded.
"None of your concern, slim. Besides, there's no way you can stop
Lisa had to admit, she was getting a little dizzy from the sudden
changes in upwards and downwards motion. She felt like she had spent
too much time on Splash Mountain instead of taking an in-between
breather on those submarines in FutureLand.
Suddenly, the midget had a mischievious grin and a menacing look in
"See you at the top, you genetic FREAK!" he said.
Lisa followed the midget to the top of the gantry. The midget's gate
opened first, and he sprung out, bounding down the gantry toward the
space shuttle hatch. As soon as Lisa's gate opening she took off
after the miniature menace, but her path was suddenly blocked.
"Meet Mr. Peeples, my worthy adversary" the midget called from behind
the giant Sumo wrestler that now stood before her.
"Mr. Peeples... CRUSH!" called the midget.
The giant mountain of flab wrapped in a diaper came crashing toward
Lisa, each step causing the gangway to shudder like an earthquake.
Lisa thought fast, and reached into her pocket to pull out her
keychain. Never having been a Boy Scout, and yet, always prepared,
Lisa's keychain was a veritable miniature toolbox, with an attachment
available for every conceivable occasion. There was a small stuffed
teddy bear, a pink feather, and a photo key chain with a wallet sized
picture of Margaret Thatcher. There was a small Swiss Army knife, a
ball point pen, and a canister of pepper spray. Lisa had only
seconds to release the safety cap from the mace and aim for Mr.
Peeples eyes, but her shot hit the mark. Wailing in agony, the Sumo
wrestler thrashed about on the gangway, until the railing finally
gave way. Mr. Peeples fell over the side, and Lisa looked down as
the giant lump of flesh tumbled and spun, bouncing off of the support
beams and walkways until finally, he hit the bottom with a massive
"You've defeated Mr. Peeples, but you can't catch me!" the midget
said, and in the blink of an eye, he leapt onto the shuttle, and
stood on the cockpit windows. The midget produced a small explosive
device and attached it to the cockpit windows, and began rappelling
down the side of the orbitor.
Lisa could see the astronauts inside, with their frantic gestures and
horrified looks as they attempted to contact launch control and hold
the countdown. Not knowing how much time she had, she jumped onto
the shuttle, and examined the midget's bomb.
Lisa recognized the explosive - it was a rare mutation of
Cladosporin. Lisa had tried to obtain her own sample through a mail-
order advertisement in Mold Spores Quartely magazine. This mutation,
when allowed to grow and ferment, and then exposed to a highly
concentrated gravitational field, becomes extremely unstable. In
this case, it appeared that the midget had cultivated this batch
using some old bowtie pasta.
Lisa had an idea. She carefully removed the Swiss Army knife from
her keychain, and ever so gently, pried the exposive away from the
Space Shuttle's cockpit glass. After a few seconds of gingerly
working the sticky bowtie pasta away from the glass, the bomb was
free and in Lisa's hand. She rushed to the end of the gantry, and
tossed it over the side. In seconds, the bomb struck the ground and
exploded, with a rather unsatisfying pop.
Lisa checked the countdown clock - only 17 minutes and 43 seconds to
go until launch.
Lisa was hailed as a hero, and was awarded the title of honorary
astronaut and mission specialist in charge of mold, fungus, and
lichen. This isn't common knowledge, but soon after, a sample of
Lisa's Stachybotrys was included on one of Shuttle Discovery's
And, that is how Lisa has contributed to the study of Planet Earth,
and ways that mold spores can help to enhance lives of all of
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