ID Number: 1089 From: strait_flush5 <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: All about Bobby
Date: Tuesday, July 22 2003 - 14:00:13
Lisa is an extraordinary former-Playmate who continues to draw many
fans to her. Fans often have contact with her via the Internet or at
the many appearances she makes at conventions. This is the
incredible story of one fan, which unfolds through reading his
letters and visits with Lisa at conventions.
Lisa was having a busy summer. Between shooting for her website,
making convention appearances, designing a calendar, and arranging
modeling jobs, she tried to always take some time to check up on her
official Yahoo club and to answer fan email and snail mail. This
morning, she reached into the refrigerator, and pulled out the
chocolate shake leftover from last night's supper at the drive in.
After being left to settle in the refrigerator overnight, it no
longer tasted light and creamy, but for a lazy breakfast this
morning, it would have to do.
On the way to the second bedroom that she used as an office, she
picked up the morning mail from her entryway floor. She looked
through her mail while she waited for the computer to wake up.
Credit card offer, bill, coupons, another credit card, what was this -
a personal letter from a fan? The return address read Stinky
Collins, from Kansas. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed that
her computer was on the internet and downloading her email. Being an
efficient multi-tasker herself, she quickly opened a browser and
typed in the groups.yahoo.com/group/lisamarie, and clicked "Go."
She opened the envelope from Kansas, and found a small picture of a
porcelain fairy, and a letter. She turned the picture over and found
that it was a postcard that had been hand-cut down to wallet size. It
"My Dearest Lisa,
You have not replied to my previous letters or emails, and so I am
growing increasingly worried. It has been three months since you
have last spoken to me or our daughter, and little Rosacea misses you
terribly. You can see the sadness in her eyes from the picture I
have sent. Do you not recall that it was fate that brought us
together? What other force besides fate could have brought two
people together, across great distance, only to discover that they
are both Americans? We have so much in common, as you know. You, an
Asian-American of Japanese descent, I, an American who watches Kung
Fu movies. You, a military brat who has travelled the world, I, a
brat who was kicked out of military school. I believe that fate will
bring us together again.
All my love,
Lisa folded the letter with the postcard and put it into her file-box
marked "Future Evidence" and turned to the Yahoo club. She saw that
after several weeks, there was finally one new posting. The poster
was named "StinkyBarn" and it read:
I hope you will read this message, and if not, then my apologies. I
have wanted to contact you for a long time. You see, I suffer from a
rare condition known as dentishrivritis. It is the condition that
when people brush their teeth, they feel a compulsion to do so using
ice-cold water, which in turn, affects their sensitive teeth and
causes them to shiver. In serious cases, such as mine, the shivering
can cause loose bowel movements, uncontrolled facial twitching, and
night terrors. It can even lead to the person avoiding toothbrushing
altogether. I believe other people suffer from the same condition as
I, and I believe you and your father can help me.
I wrote a story about you - it's about how you became a lawyer, ran
for Congress, passed a Constitutional Amendment protecting the rights
of dentishrivritis sufferers, and went on to star on the West Wing as
this nations first female President. Would you like to hear it?
If you do not wish me to post this story to this Yahoo group, please
call me as soon as you read this. Otherwise, I will post immediately.
Lisa was at first, slightly wigged out. She quickly jumped out of
her chair, and ran to check all of the doors and windows in her
house. Then, she opened the locked desk drawer and checked that her
revolver was loaded and ready to fire, and put it back into the
drawer. But then, she couldn't help but be touched by Stinky's
sincerity. "Afterall, he wrote a story about me?" Lisa thought. She
had to admit, she was a bit flattered.
She turned back to her computer and opened her Outlook. 132 messages
were waiting in her inbox, which isn't at all unusual. Lisa has
excellent spam filters, and only rarely does an offer for low
mortgage rates or increasing penis-size slip through. No, these are
all what Lisa sometimes refers to as fan-spam.
132 was slightly more than usual, but upon closer inspection, she
found that 47 of these were all from the same address -
email@example.com. She sorted them by date, and chose the first
Good news! I will be passing through Southern California in the next
day or two. I will be traveling to your neck of the woods on
business. At this time, I don't have an airplane ticket, and since I
don't have a car and I am self-employed, I will be hitch-hiking. I
expect to be in Los Angeles sometime between September and October,
and will be traveling down through San Diego and on to Tijuana for
the winter. I'd love to meet you. If you don't want me to visit you
at your house, please call me now.
I'll take that as a yes, that you do want to meet me. That's great!!
I will be seeing you soon!
Each of the subsequent 15 letters from Stinky were exactly the same,
but then they began to turn ominous:
Why have you not contacted me with your home address and phone
number? You have ignored the 16 copies of my email suggesting that I
stay at your house while in LA. How will we meet if you do this? By
the way, I only sleep on sheets with 300 or higher thread count, and
I never drink decaf.
Captivated by your Beauty,
I'm a little worried that you have not contacted me as yet with your
home address or phone number. No worries, though, I've hired an
online private detective agency to track you down. By the way, did
you know that you still have an open account with Sears on your
credit report, even though it doesn't look like you've charged
anything to it for 3 years? You should probably look into closing
Looking forward to seeing you,
I was waiting around for the computer-thingy to say "You've Got
Mail", and I found this really cool website. It's all about suicide
pacts, and it has the most beautiful story I've ever heard, of two
star-crossed lovers, who were not allowed to marry due to their
feuding families. And so, they each drank poison together so that
they might be together in the world to come. I just felt compelled
to share this with you, as this story has affected me so deeply. I'm
sure, you will love this story, too.
"Oh Goddess, who has traveled far from the Eastern Lands, hear my
email prayer. I have sought thy will diligently, and I give great
thanks and praise to thee, who hast answered my prayer, which I
sealed with my blood. I shall accomplish thy will. Fear not, for
when I have collected the loins of those, thine enemies, I shall
present them to you as a token of my devotion.
Thy humble servant-worm,
Lisa had to admit, these messages were not exactly reassuring. But,
she felt safe in her house with her handgun and her pet cat, and in
her heart, she couldn't help but be impressed by this guy's
But, she couldn't spend too much time on this, since she had to get
ready to attend the convention that afternoon. Lucky for her, it was
being held not far away. Within a few hours, Lisa was setting up her
booth at the Convention for Genetic Mutants and Intergalactic
Business was generally slow at the convention, the long stretches of
boredom occasionally punctuated by intense activity. Most were the
typical visitors Lisa has grown accustomed to, mostly polite but kind
of cheap. A few were the "nice" fans, who brought her a small gift.
One or two were the "devoted" fans, who are perennial visitors at
As Lisa considered the different ways that various people expressed
their fan-ship, her thoughts returned back to Stinky. Although only
an inanimate object, the picture of that porcelain fairy was very
cute, she thought. Lisa was especially impressed that the love
Stinky apparently felt for her compelled him to imagine that the
little knick-knack was, in fact, the daughter that she shared with
Without any doubt in her heart, Stinky had succeeded in gaining
Lisa's mutual adoration, and she was growing more and more enamored
with him as the day wore on.
Later that afternoon, Lisa had an unusual guest at her signing-table.
"Hello, what's your name?"
"It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Stinky."
Stinky was average height, about 6 foot, slightly heavyset, with a
very prominent mono-brow. His arms were very thick, and he was very
hairy. Lisa saw that even the hair on his knuckles was thick and
coarse. "Wow," she thought to herself, "this guy must have oodles of
testosterone pumping through his veins to be hairy like this!"
"Nice to meet you, Stinky."
The ape-ish man just stood there, staring longingly at Lisa. His
eyes drifted up and down her body, his gaze pausing over her hair,
her shoulders, her breasts, the fourth-finger of her left hand. Lisa
felt a little uncomfortable, but strangely, also, slightly aroused by
his intense scrutiny. He was breathing heavily through his nose,
causing a hauntingly beautiful whistling noise, like the sound of a
saxophone that has a defective reed in it, but the saxophonist is
deaf and doesn't notice.
Lisa thought it was cute, that she should have such an effect on him,
as to cause him to breathe heavily.
"I've brought you a gift, Lisa. Here, look - it's a picture I drew
of my imagination."
The picture consisted of a blue crayon line across the top of the
page, a green crayon line across the bottom, a yellow sun, a house
with flowers, and three stick figures underneath an apple tree.
"It's a picture of my greatest fantasy come true, of my greatest
desire on this Earth. It's a picture of you and me, and our
"Oh, Stinky, that is so sweet. And, you are so precious" she said,
smiling at him.
At that moment, another fan approached and asked "Are you Lisa Marie
Lisa and Stinky just stared into one another's eyes, the magical
"Excuse me, are you the former Playmate, Lisa Marie Scott."
Momentarily distracted, Lisa looked at the new fan, back to Stinky,
and back to the fan.
"No, I'm not, and we're closed. Go away."
"Wait a minute... I think you ARE Lisa Marie Scott, and I think you
are going to GIVE me a picture, for free, for being rude to me!"
No sooner had these words been spoken, than Stinky dropped into a
classic, martial arts pose.
"The lady said she's closed, mister, now you had best be on your way,
lest I smite you with my unequaled skill as a warrior!"
Lisa was very impressed - not only was this man the new love of her
life, but he was also a warrior, trained in the deadly arts of
combat! And then, in a split second, Lisa was horrified. The new
fan pulled out two massive guns, and started firing. Lisa screamed,
as people all around her started panicking, and one by one, they were
being picked off by this crazed assailant.
Stinky leapt in front of Lisa, calling "Do not fear, my beautiful
flower! I can handle this!!"
In a flash, Stinky was airborne, somersaulting over the bullets that
had moments before been aimed at his head. He landed behind the
insane attacker, and unleashed a fury of punches and kicks. In a
matter of seconds, the attacker was disarmed.
"Oh, you're gonna pay for that one..." and the attacker launched his
own barrage of punches and kicks at Stinky. Stinky had no problem
dodging or blocking each one, until the attacker threw a punch right
at Stinky's face. Stinky, however, quick to react, caught the man's
fist inches from his nose, and the two battlers were instantly locked
in a titanic struggle.
"Not bad... by the way, why are you so hairy? Are you the missing
link?" the attacker asked.
"Only the missing link for you!" Stinky angrily replied through
"I don't know what the hell that means, but it doesn't matter. I'm
going to rearrange your face!" the attacker said.
"Not if you can't see me!!" Stinky replied. And then, suddenly,
Stinky released himself from the attackers grip, closed his eyes, and
his face had the look of intense concentration. And then, Stinky
"I'm invisible, you fiend!" Stinky called. "Now, just try to catch
Suddenly, the attacker was being pelted by Stinky's invisible hands
and feet. Within moments, he layed crumpled on the floor.
"Impossible... Impossible... it's not possible..." he whimpered to
Stinky reappeared in front of Lisa.
"Oh, Stinky, you saved me! You beautiful, hairy main, you were
Not only had Stinky proven to Lisa that he had a heart of gold, but
now, he had proven to be an able protector for her for all time.
There was no doubt about it - Lisa was in love.
Security guards and police arrived a minute later.
"Drop your weapons! Let's see those hands!" they commanded.
"Wait, officers, don't touch that man... he saved me, he saved us
"Who is he?" the officer in charge asked.
"He's my fiancee" she replied.
And in this world where the disctinction between reality and fantasy
is blurred, Lisa and Stinky left the convention, arm in arm, gazing
into one another's eyes.
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