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ID Number: 1064
From: strait_flush5 <>
Subject: Not looking for a critique
Date: Wednesday, July 16 2003 - 13:30:18

This month Lisa is attending Comicon in San Diego - the biggest comic
book convention in the world. Lisa also is the inspiration for
DeathKiss, from the Jade Warriors comic book. This is the story of
how fate intervened in the young dancer/models life, and gave her the
super-human abilities that have turned her into a hero for women and
men of all ages.

As you know, Lisa has never really considered herself to be anything
even approaching a master chef. She subsides on Macaroni and Cheese
and TV dinners when at home, but she regularly treats herself to a
tasty night out. One day in May, a few years ago, Lisa determined
that she must learn how to cook. Afterall, she surmised, the way to
a man's heart is through his stomach, and I can't survive on cold
cereal and fruit roll-ups when my modeling career has finally fizzled
out. She enrolled in a community course in cooking, which was being
taught by an experienced chef named Bardolph. Bardolph had once
competed in Japan's Iron Chef competition, but he never prevailed as
a result of his prediliction toward cooking his fish.

The first couple of weeks of evening classes were uneventful. Lisa
learned a variety of things about food and diet, and Bardolph was
nothing if not enthusiastic about yeast and gluten (Lisa suspected
that the eccentric chef liked to say the word "Gluten" a lot). On
the third week, Bardolph began teaching about pastries and
confections, and Lisa not being one to turn down chocolate in any
form, was enthralled.

However, Bardolph insisted that his students learn how to create
chocolate confections in the same way he was forced to during the
war. You see, since there was a shortage of chocolate at the time,
in order to create anything with chocololate, Bardolph's mentor
forced him to peel the candy coating off of individual M&M candies
with a small paring knife. The candy-coated shell was discarded,
leaving the chocolate center for baking use. Once, the M&Ms that
were to be shelled were of the peanut variety, forcing Bardolph to
not only cut away the candy coated shell, but also to de-nut the
nugget as well.

As a lad, Bardolph despised M&M candies, but he know recognized that
his mentor was teaching the young sous-chef far more about himself
than about shucking chocolates. To this day, Bardolph considers
himself fortunate to have had such an experience.

"Class, in order to be prepared for our Chocolate Torte on Thursday,
you must purchase 5 lbs of M&M candies, remove the candy shells, and
bring the sweet, chocolate centers with you to class" Bardolph

Lisa thought this was asinine, and grumbled at the prospect of
spending hours at home with a bowl full of colorful M&Ms and a paring

"...and, one more thing, class. In order to assure that our
Chocolate Torte recipe is not contaminated by stray blue, red, or
yellow M&Ms, you must first sort the candies to include only the
brown ones. So, that's 5 lbs of BROWN M&M candies for class on

Lisa peeled late into the night on Wednesday and into the wee hours
of Thursday morning. She was feeling slightly sick from having eaten
all of the non-brown colored M&Ms during her endless, nocturnal
labors. Finally, around 4:00 AM, she finished, with approximately
4.9 lbs of brown M&Ms in her mixing bowl, ready for class that
evening. She put the bowl into the refrigerator, and retired to bed.

Little could Lisa have known that at that very moment, a strange ball
of cosmic matter and energy, not of our space-time continuum, was
hurtling toward fate in Southern California, it's trajectory having
been altered by the gravity of first Saturn, then Jupiter, it skipped
Mars, but finally swung around Earth's Moon to head straight for
California. As Lisa pulled back the sheets on her bed and began to
climb in, she was struck by a beam of pure energy that eminated at
right-angles from the impact vector of the ball as it smashed into a
the power line outside Lisa's window.

She writhed in agony for a few seconds, electromagnetic artifacts
arcing across her body and through her hair. The cosmic energy flux
changed the cells of Lisa's body, making her sensitive to the
currents of strange and mysterious energy that remain hidden to most
humans on this Earth. She collapsed on the bed, wimpering and her
muscles twitching, in a swirl of reality and consciousness as her
mind became accustomed to the sensations of her new, sixth sense.

After a few hours of sleep, Lisa awoke with what felt like a severe
hangover. Not even really sure what had happened, or if she had
merely dreamed the whole experience, Lisa went to the refrigerator to
have some fruit loops. When she opened the refrigerator door, she
saw the metal mixing bowl of de-candied chocolates, and felt a wave
of revulsion sweep over her. Maybe it was the elevated levels of
chocolate in her bloodstream, partly it was due to the emotional
reaction Lisa had when she saw the cursed candies, but in an instant,
a beam of pure, chocolate energy leapt from the mixing bowl and into
Lisa's eyes. Lisa was knocked down, but staggered back to her feet.
As soon as she made eye contact with the cocoa masses again, the
chocolate energy found it's mark.

The experience, however, was not painful, but exhilarating. It felt
like she was able to absorb the very chocolate-ness from the candies
in the bowl. Experimenting, Lisa opened the freezer door and removed
the carton of Haagen-Daaz cookie-dough ice cream she kept in there
for emergencies. Upon opening the container, her face was awash in a
mosaic of color, until at last, the energy flow subsided. With
practice, Lisa found she was able to channel and manipulate this
strange, cosmic energy upon any food in the house.

"Surely," she thought, "this does not bode well for cooking class."

Lisa, however, is a woman of uncharacteristic strength and resolve,
and not to be deterred, returned to cooking class that evening. At
times, she struggled to prevent the cosmic energy from enveloping her
body and disrupting Bardolphs animated cooking demonstration. Once,
she was distracted, and, not paying attention, did not notice Betsy
approaching with her mixing bowl of chocolate.

"Hello, Lisa" Betsy said. Betsy was slightly overweight, not so much
curvy like how a supermodel has many different curves to her body,
but rather, Betsy was more like one, large curve around her whole

Lisa, afraid for what might happen, clenched her eyes shut.

"Hello.... Betsy...." Lisa said through gritted teeth.

"What's the matter, Lisa?"

"Nothing... just... can't... open my eyes."

"Riiiight" Betsy said, as she walked away, muttering something under
her breath.

Finally, the recipes were finished, and Bardolph came to check on his
student's achievements.

"Very good, Jenny."

"A little flat, but very good flavor, Michael."

"Very tasy, Betsy, excellent!"

Bardolph arrived at Lisa's cooking station, and sampled a piece of
her chocolate.

"Lisa... this tastes superb, but there is something else about this
torte..." Bardolph took another bite. Then, he quickly dashed up to
his demonstration station and began digging through the drawers and
cabinets there. After a minute or two of rummaging around, he
returned to Lisa's station with a bunsen burner and an electronic,
automatic, calorie testing probe and handheld computer.

He took a small piece of Lisa's torte, and began to burn it under the
bunsen burner's flame. Then, he inserted the calorie tester into the
bluish plume of smoke that rose from the flame. After a few minutes,
the torte was all but consumed, and Bardolph was amazed.

"This torte has absolutely no calories!"

Gasps of amazement rippled through Lisa's classmates. "How can that
be?" some were heard to say. Others exclaimed "She cheated!" Shock
filled the faces of those who remarked "No calories?" Betsy
said "She's a witch! Let's try her and find her guilty of an unholy
union with Satan!"

Bardolph took a larger sample of Lisa's torte, and tested it again,
with the same results. No calories. All were amazed, and none could
understand how such a thing could happen, but Lisa knew. She did not
understand how, or what biological or cosmic processes had combined
to give her this new power, but she did know now, that she had the
power to remove the calories from food. A super-power of only
benevolent use, which bodes good will for all mankind.

And that is the reason why Lisa does not diet even to this day. Lisa
has not yet taken a seamstress class, and so has not sewn a super-
heroine's uniform which she can wear at night as she protects
innocents like Betsy, from their overeating indulgence. But,
probably it will be a suit with pictures of desserts and pastries on
it, with a big emblem on her chest and on her thigh-high boots, that
consists of the word "Calorie" with a red stripe crossing through it.

No cape, though, because then that would be weird.

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